I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I smell stomach acid.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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