Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
