but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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