Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
