dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
