so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
