i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
did i just pee glitter
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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