I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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