weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
