Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
