Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
