i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
