K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
