life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
