How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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