I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
