I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
