He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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