I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
