you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
