I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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