3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
