If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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