Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
