why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
