To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
