Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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