if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I think my moral compass just broke
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