Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
