fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
don't judge my taste in strippers
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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