My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
