i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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