omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
