Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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