Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
