My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
