will power is for people who don't want to get laid
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
