I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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