Apparently you make a good broom.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
