if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
