i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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