Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
