I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
