Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
