he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize