I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
