I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
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