I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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