you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
