IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
