I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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