apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I can't turn off my feet"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
