Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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