if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
