glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
