The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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