Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
